I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Ambrose Bierce
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum. J. W. Schopf
He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical. G. K. Chesterton
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin
I felt like poisoning a monk. Umberto Eco
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. Sinclair Lewis
The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer. From the 1985 movie "Bliss"
The days of the digital watch are numbered. Tom Stoppard
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast. W. S. Gilbert
The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. Foster's Law
Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it. Paul Tillich
If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate. Elbert Hubbard
It's never just a game when you're winning. George Carlin
A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child. H. L. Mencken
Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution. Edward Teller
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Joey Adams
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. Will Rogers
I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. Oscar Wilde
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