Whacked
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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Expensive hearing aid
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [ 1800]
His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'
The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
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Easy to Swallow?
Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room.
Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
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Make sure
An opera singer who was married asked her husband,Why do you always go out onto the balcony whenever I sing? Don't you like my singing?
So the husband said, No, no. I just go out so that all the neighbors can see that Iam not beating you.
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I don't want Him to know
A distinguished priest and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. I'd rather not, the clergyman said, I don't want Him to know I'm here.
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Only one kiss per yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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Throw it into the river
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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Two roaches having a discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
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Purchasing mailing lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization.
Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.
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Least you have ever weighed
Doctor: What's your average weight?
Patient: I have no idea.
Doctor: Well, what do you think is the most you have ever weighed?
Patient: I'd say about one hundred and fifty-four pounds.
Doctor: Good. And what do you think is the least you have ever weighed?
Patient: Six pounds, fifteen ounces, I think.
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Sin of lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Forgetten example
Judge: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Suspect: Yes.
Judge: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Suspect: I forget.
Judge: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
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Eating the piece of fruit
Two guys were taking their first train trip. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
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Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
Waiter: "No Chinese Jews, Sir."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
The waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
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Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
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You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
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Quick Thinking
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.
He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"
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The Lost Purse
A lady lost her purse one day while shopping at a busy department store. Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.
"Thank you," she said and looked inside it. "Hmmm," she said. "That's funny. When I lost it, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there's twenty one dollar bills."
"That's right, lady," said the cleaver little boy. "Last time I returned a lost purse, the lady said she didn't have any change to give me a reward."
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Lost Chickens
A farmer sent his son to the market to buy a crate of chickens. The boy did and was returning home when he dropped the crate and it broke open, letting all the chickens escape.
They scurried off in all directions. The boy was upset, knowing his father would be angry. He fixed the crate as best as he could and searching the neighborhood until he found them all. When he returned home, he told his father that the chickens had gotten loose, but he managed to find all eight of them.
"Well, you did a good job," said his father. The boy was surprised. His father continued, "The receipt says you paid for six."
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