Trying for years
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court, said the Police officer.
"No, no no!"said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years.
Rating 
Exactly Same
Teacher : Pappu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Pappu : No, teacher, it's the same dog" we both wrote on!!!
Rating
Memory Test
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!
Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."
Rating 
3 males and 2 females
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'
Rating
Height Problems
A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car...
So she visited an expert. The expert said: "Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!"
The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied: "No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!"
Rating 
World Cup Thief's Own Goal
A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.
The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'
Rating
Whacked
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Rating
Expensive hearing aid
A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [ 1800]
His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'
The braggart says, 'Half past four.'
Rating 
Easy to Swallow?
Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room.
Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
Rating
Make sure
An opera singer who was married asked her husband,Why do you always go out onto the balcony whenever I sing? Don't you like my singing?
So the husband said, No, no. I just go out so that all the neighbors can see that Iam not beating you.
Rating
I don't want Him to know
A distinguished priest and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. I'd rather not, the clergyman said, I don't want Him to know I'm here.
Rating
Only one kiss per yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
Rating
Throw it into the river
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Rating
Two roaches having a discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Rating
Purchasing mailing lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization.
Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.
Rating 
Least you have ever weighed
Doctor: What's your average weight?
Patient: I have no idea.
Doctor: Well, what do you think is the most you have ever weighed?
Patient: I'd say about one hundred and fifty-four pounds.
Doctor: Good. And what do you think is the least you have ever weighed?
Patient: Six pounds, fifteen ounces, I think.
Rating
Sin of lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Rating
Forgetten example
Judge: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Suspect: Yes.
Judge: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Suspect: I forget.
Judge: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Rating
There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
Rating
Eating the piece of fruit
Two guys were taking their first train trip. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Rating 
