Words Start With I
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Reasons For Going To School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal."
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Good Worker
A Doctor: What flavors of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate," answered the waitress in a hoarse voice.
Trying to be sympathetic, the Doctor: Do you have sore throat?"
Waitress: No.... just... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Patient
Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home.
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Teacher
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
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On The Other Hand
Once a man was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.
He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
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Clever Dog
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog, He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.
Her husband replies, Well, lots of dogs can do that.
The wife responded, But we've never subscribed to any!
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Short Time..
A boy young man to a young woman at a ball, Whenever I dance with you, themusic lasts only a short time.
The young women replied, No wonder,The band leader is my fiance.
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Good Follower
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'
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School
Teacher: Ram, have you been copying Shyam's test again?
Ram: Yes, but how did you know?
Teacher: On question #1, Shyam put down "I don't know". And you put down "Me neither".
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Bad News
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Doctor
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
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Guy In A Bar
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!"
The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "Hey, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
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College Guy
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate!!" the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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Beans
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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At First
FIRST National Bank of Washington Ill., tried to encourage
business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
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Last Respect
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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Forget
Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?
Patient:What problems?
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Student
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah : "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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