Guy In A Bar
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!"
The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "Hey, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
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College Guy
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate!!" the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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Beans
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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At First
FIRST National Bank of Washington Ill., tried to encourage
business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."
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Last Respect
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
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Forget
Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?
Patient:What problems?
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Student
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah : "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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Happy Little Old Man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. 'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,� she said. What's your secret for a long happy life?
I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.
That's amazing, the woman said. How old are you?
Twenty-six! he said.
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Medical Terms Ignorant Meaning #1
Antibody Against everyone
Artery The study of the paintings.
Bacteria Back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section � A district in Rome.
Cardiology � Advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan � Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic � Neck of a crow.
Coma � Punctuation mark.
Cortisone � Area around local court.
Cyst � Short for sister.
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Ad for a good cook
Hotel Management gave advertisement for a good cook to recruit. One cook has sent one application as follows :
Dear Sir, I am a good cooker. If you appoint me, I am sure I will be able to cook you. When I was working earlier in a hotel I cooked them all.
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Wife
Jhony:Shyam,you know my wife is an angel.
Shyam:Oh!am very lucky because my wife is still alive.
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Teacher
Teacher: Why are you late, sunny?
Sunny: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Sunny: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
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Computer
Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
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Make your bed
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
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Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.
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Do You Fancy a Double?
Neil was in a pub, extremely drunk. The barman, Simon, noticed this, and when Neil asked for another whisky, the barman politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.
Neil leaves. He walks out of the pub and in again at the side door and asks Simon for a double whisky. A little frustrated, Simon repeats the answer he had said earlier.
Neil, again leaves and enters through a further side door, walks up to the barman and asks for a Scotch. Simon is now quite annoyed, and tells Neil he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave the pub.
Once more, Neil leaves. Again he comes in, this time through the back door. Neil walks up to the barman and before he can say a word, Simon explodes at him, 'I told you already, you are way too drunk, you can not have another whisky. Get out of my bar!'
Disgruntled, Neil glares at Simon and asks, 'Man, how many bars do you work at?'
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Both hands on the wheel
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window.
When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!"
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Graying hair
Customer asked to the shopkeeper, What do you have for graying hair?
The Shopkeeper replied, Nothing but the highest respect Sir.
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Worry
Son asked the father Worry causes tension and tension causes disease, is it true dad?
Father says, Of course, Yes.
Son replied, That is why I stopped worrying about my studies.
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