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The Escaped Lunatic

"Hi? Is this the mental hospital?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten?"
"One moment and I'll connect you. I'm sorry, Mr. Scott is not answering."
"Good. That means I must have really escaped."

 

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A man had two goldfish,
he named one of them "One"
and the other "Two"
he did this because..

if one died, he'd still have two..

 

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Dreaming In French
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

 

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Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

 

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WIFE
2 things are extremely difficult
-To plant your idea in someone's head
-To plant someone's money in your own pocket
The 1 who succeeds in both is Called WIFE.

 

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Superb
Girl: I Have Changed My Mind..!!
Boy: Thank God,
But Does The New One Work?

 

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Girl: I'm not feeling well today.
Boy: Oh! That's too bad, I thought of taking you for shopping today.
Girl: I was joking.
Boy: Me Too.

 

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Mistakes do Happen
Man : why is your wife shouting at you?
Friend : She told me to upload her photo in facebook, I uploaded in olx.

 

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Smart Beggar
People were waiting for the bus at a bus stop during heavy rain......In the mean time a beggar came, begged money from all....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Hired a TAXI & went.

 

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Making Their Eyes Roll

A Montana sheep farmer was driving down the road outside of Billings one day when a State Trooper pulls him over and says, "Hey buddy, you know you just made a U-turn"?
The farmer replies, "I did? I know sometimes I make their eyes roll."

 

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Car In The Swimming Pool
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

 

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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves,
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady confirmed, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

 

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Sell The Limpy Horse
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

 

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Fish walks into a bar

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck,
"Water".

 

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Making Myself Pretty

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

 

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The Walking Pigeon

A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such a nice day, I decided to walk."

 

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Patient: Doctor, doctor I have only 58 seconds to live!!!!!!
Doctor: I'll be with you in a minute

 

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye." The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

 

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A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."

 

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The Man With No Arms
A man sees a beautiful woman.
Approaching her, and in his coolest Barry White tone says: " If good looks where a minute, you would be an hour"
The woman looks deep into the man's eyes and in her sexiest voice replies: "If good looks were within your reach, you wouldn't have any arms."

 

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