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I want a divorce! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."

 

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A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

 

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Q: Can February march?
A: No, but April may.

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?
Kid: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
She: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

 

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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?" Sparsh: "PHD." Utkarsh: "Wow! You’re a doctor!" Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

 

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Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

 

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A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

 

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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”

 

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Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy.

 

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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

 

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I got sick of my boss saying to me, “Hey, we don’t pay you to sit there all day chatting away.” So I got a job at a call center.

 

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Why don’t chickens like people? They beat eggs!

 

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How do you blindfold a Chinese person? Put floss over their eyes.

 

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and… Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates ya know.

 

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

 

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Bald Bill: Couldn’t you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.

 

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What my “Ph.D.” really stands for:
Professional Hair Dresser.

 

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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

 

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Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

 

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