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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
 
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Bald Bill: Couldn’t you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
 
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What my “Ph.D.” really stands for:
Professional Hair Dresser.
 
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
 
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Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
 
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What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
Shock-a-lot.
 
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
 
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
 
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Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it’s me.” Tech Support: "Oh, it’s me too.” [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."
 
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Customer: “I’ve been ringing your call centre on 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?” Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?” Customer: “It was on the door to the travel centre.”
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours.”
 
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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
 
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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
 
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Most common lies ever told:
"I didn’t do it"
"I'm fine"
"I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions"
 
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 onions and I asked for one, how many would you have left?” Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 onions.”
 
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SHE—"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
HE—"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."
 
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My girlfriend had tears in her eyes when I asked her to marry me.
Probably because I proposed with an onion ring.
 
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I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 
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What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

 
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