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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

 
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A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, 'This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!' "Good," replied his wife. 'Now you know how I always feel.'

 
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Sam: Hey John!
John: Hey!Sam: Did you know Microsoft just bought Skype for ten million dollars?
John: Really!?John: Idiots.... They could have downloaded it for free.

 
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Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search."

 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect".

 
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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
 
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Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 
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Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both.
Girlfriend: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly.

 
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When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

 
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Why are atoms Catholic? Because they have mass.

 
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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." one of the Student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

 
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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them.

 
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Teacher: How much is a gram?
Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
 
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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"What do you call a very small Valentine?" "A valen-tiny."
 
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My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

 
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Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
 
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