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A professor at a museum noticed his tomb exhibit was empty.

He walks by a little boy who is lost and crying.

He asked the boy what's wrong. "I want my mommy!" the boy sniffed.

The professor said, "I know how you feel, I want my mummy too!"
 
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Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."

Me: "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"
 
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These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound.

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?"

And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."

"Na," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
 
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey comb....
 
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, Bow-wow! The cat ran away. What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.
 
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What do you call bears with no ears? B.
 
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What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I am changing!
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar.
"John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."

 
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

 
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Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they're always too quick to retweet.

 
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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...It'll be called YouTwitFace.

 
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My wife asked me, "Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?" So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

 
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Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

 
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Timmy-Can I go the toilet? Teacher-say the alphabet. Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. Teacher-where's the P. Timmy-half way down my leg

 
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Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"

 
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 
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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
 
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Jose was chatting with his friend Pablo. He said to Pablo, My wife is a BIG spendthrift. She keeps asking me for more and more money every week. Pablo asked, But what does she spend all that money on? Jose replied, Who knows, I never give her any money.

 
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Rebecca said to her husband, Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam? Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point? Rebecca replied sarcastically, Your son scored it.

 
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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes? Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?

 
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