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Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

 
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Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."

 
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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

 
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

 
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A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, 'This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!' "Good," replied his wife. 'Now you know how I always feel.'

 
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Sam: Hey John!
John: Hey!Sam: Did you know Microsoft just bought Skype for ten million dollars?
John: Really!?John: Idiots.... They could have downloaded it for free.

 
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Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search."

 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect".

 
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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
 
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Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 
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Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both.
Girlfriend: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly.

 
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When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

 
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Why are atoms Catholic? Because they have mass.

 
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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." one of the Student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

 
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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them.

 
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Teacher: How much is a gram?
Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
 
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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