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Positive thinking
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?

(This is called “Positive Thinking” ??)
 
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Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church

A visitor: What’s the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?

 
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Please do not send me messages related to independence.

I am married…

It hurts. ??☹☹☹
 
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If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? ✈

A: Who cares??? Just throw them??
 
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What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift? ?

A: Exchange him!! ?
 
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I decided to travel to US. At The Embassy For Visa Interview, this is what happened

Officer: Where to in the US?

Me: San Jose

Officer: It’s pronounced as San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the US.

Me: Oh, okay!

Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US ?

Me: from Hanuary to Hune or Huly
 
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Girl : Dad…I’m in love…

Its love on 2nd sight!!☺

Dad : What’s love on 2nd sight?

Girl : When I saw him 1st, he was buying Manikchand Gutka…

When I saw him again…he was spitting out of his Audi?
 
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Self confidence

A Man wrote to the bank. “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’.

I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank”.

(This is self confidence in its peak ??)
 
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Rahul: Why is your eye swollen…?

Amit: It was my wife’s birthday yesterday and I bought her a cake.

Rahul: But how did your eye get swollen?


Amit: Her name is Tapasya… but that Cake shop idiot wrote

“Happy Birthday Samasya”
 
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Question –
Who is better….?

Wife or sister

Heart touching award winning answer:
Wife’s sister

 
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Situation – In a room light goes off…people open their mobile torch by their normal handsets…


Guy with an Iphone × – “Please some1 show light on my face so tht I can unlock my phone
 
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A drink decreases 5 minutes of life…
A smile increases 10 minutes of life…


Moral – Ek hasta hua sharabi kabhi nahi mar sakta…!!


 
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One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some serious issue or incident happened.

So I went to a lady and asked, “Why everybody is silent today?”

She replied, “All are present today…”

It took me few minutes to understand this.

????
 
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Age 10: I want to be a Pilot


Age 15: I Want to be a Scientist

Age 20: I want to be a Engineer

Age 25: I want to be a Kid again
 
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
 
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A child asked to his mother:
-mom! Can you give me some money?
His mom : why?
-I will give to a old man
His mom : well done! Okay, where is the old man ?
-Momm.. He is at the end of the street...He is selling ice-cream
 
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Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelery.

Husband : Yes...so ?

Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?

Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it

Husband : Baby, before we got married, you were the sexiest girl i've ever met but now you are twice my size, what happened baby

Wife : Have you ever seen a fisher(woman) give worms to the fish after she has caught it? same thing.
 
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Two Elderly Women

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"
 
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Ten Mad men were locked up In a chicken yard..
Nine of them started jumping up and Down screaming and making cock crow sounds,..
However, one was found seated quietly at one Corner Of the yard.

The Doctor Went towards him and Whispered, "I can see you are the Only one among the 10 patients who have Regained Mental Sanity..

The man Quickly replied to the Doctor,
"HEY shhhhh! Keep Quiet, am trying To lay an Egg!!
 
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A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."
 
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