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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."
 
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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
 
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Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
 
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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?" Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

 
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An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me. When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, Where is my food? The assistant replied, You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'

 
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Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

 
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Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."

 
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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

 
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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

 
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A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, 'This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!' "Good," replied his wife. 'Now you know how I always feel.'

 
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Sam: Hey John!
John: Hey!Sam: Did you know Microsoft just bought Skype for ten million dollars?
John: Really!?John: Idiots.... They could have downloaded it for free.

 
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Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search."

 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect".

 
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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.
 
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Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

 
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Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: You're both.
Girlfriend: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly.

 
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When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

 
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Why are atoms Catholic? Because they have mass.

 
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A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." one of the Student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

 
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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them.

 
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