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A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
 
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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”
 
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Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy.
 
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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
 
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I got sick of my boss saying to me, “Hey, we don’t pay you to sit there all day chatting away.” So I got a job at a call center.
 
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Why don’t chickens like people? They beat eggs!
 
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How do you blindfold a Chinese person? Put floss over their eyes.
 
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and… Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates ya know.
 
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
 
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Bald Bill: Couldn’t you see I was going bald? Barber: No, the shine from your head blinded me.
 
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What my “Ph.D.” really stands for:
Professional Hair Dresser.
 
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
 
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Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
 
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What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
Shock-a-lot.
 
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
 
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
 
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Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it’s me.” Tech Support: "Oh, it’s me too.” [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."
 
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Customer: “I’ve been ringing your call centre on 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?” Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?” Customer: “It was on the door to the travel centre.”
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours.”
 
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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
 
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