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I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food.
After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said “this dog loves visitors”
A child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.

 

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I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.
But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.
And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.

 

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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
Then I said, “Turn Left”.

 

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My Girlfriend broke up with me.
She thinks that I am childish.
So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

 

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Today I saw two blind people fighting,
then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,
they both ran away.

 

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Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:
Single bells
Single bells
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
those couples fight all day. Yay…

 

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Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

 

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Q: Why don't men do laundry?

A: Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

 

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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Breathe, man! Breathe!”

 

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If you really want your friend to remember you, lend some money from them.

 

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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

 

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Stages of marriage

Mad for each other...
Made for each other...
Mad at each other....
Mad b'coz of each other.

 

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Definition Of Happy Couple
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants

 

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Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

 

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Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!
Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"

 

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A smart wife's note for the husband

Husband:I am going out with my friends for dinner.
Wife:Your dinner is in the recipe book, on page 25 and ingredients are available at reliance Fresh.

 

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Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

 

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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

 

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A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

 

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A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

 

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