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A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

 

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I saw an old man sitting on a park bench. He was crying. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, “I’m 80 years old. I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams. I own every expensive toy you can think of. And I’m married to a hot 23-year-old who not only gives me the greatest sex ever, but cooks like a master chef, and keeps my house spotless!”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked.

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

 

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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

 

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

 

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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

 

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What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

 

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Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

 

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A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

 

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If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

 

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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

 

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A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

 

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My mum said, “I’m not happy with your school report.”

I said, “Okay.”

She said, “I want more A's”.

I replied, “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”

 

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Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?


Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

 

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Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?
A: You have a hole in one.

 

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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

 

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कल एक साधू बाबा मिले,
मैंने पूछा – कैसे हैं बाबाजी.?
बाबाजी बोले – हम तो साधू हैं बेटा….
हमारा “राम” हमें जैसे रखता है हम वैसे ही रहते हैं…..
तुम तो सुखी हो ना बच्चा..?

मैं बोला — हम तो संसारी लोग हैं बाबाजी
हमारी “सीता” हमें जैसे रखती है, हम वैसे ही रहते हैं..।

 

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