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Patient: "Doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."

 

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MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.” SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.” MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.” SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.” MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.” SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?” MOM : “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school”

 

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Why did the doctor become a chef? Because they wanted to cure hunger pains!

 

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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

 

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Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

 

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Why did the student bring a ladder to school? Because they wanted to go to high school!

 

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What do you call a teacher who never frowns? A geometry teacher, because they always stay positive!

 

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Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

 

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Why did the banana go to the party?
Because it was a-peeling affair!

 

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What do you call a chapati that tells jokes? A "flapjack" comedian!

 

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Why did the cow go to space?
Because it wanted to see the moooon!

 

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Why did the pimple apply for a job? Because it wanted to finally pop up in the working world!

 

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I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."

 

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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

 

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Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

 

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

 

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The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

 

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MOM - What did you do in school today? KID - We played a guessing game! MOM - I thought you had a math test? KID - That is what the teacher called it too!

 

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Dinner with Chess Champion I was having dinner with chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

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Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!

 

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