Collision Buddy
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at on a narrow Scottish road.
One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whisky.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
Rating 
Get a lawyer
One day a nam goes down to Hell. When he gets there he asks "Why is the place on fire?"
The devil answers "Because it's hell"
"It doesnt have to be like this," said the man. He begins to fix up the place. Soon hell is a paradise. God gets upsett and calls the devil
God: It can't be so nice down there
Devil: of course it can be.
God: I'm gonig to get a lawyer and--
Devil: Yep, where are you gonna find one of those?
Rating
Still In Heaven
If Adam and Eve were Chinese we would still be in Paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
Rating 
Offer Declined
Police officer: Sorry but I must write you up a speeding ticket.
Guy: Thanks for the offer, but sadly, I must decline, good day.
Rating
Close Shave
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.“ The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Rating
Surprise
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"
Rating
Time to pray
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..
"Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
Rating 
Guidelines for success
Doctor's son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success.
Doctor : Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.
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Stockbroker Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
Rating
Baskin Robbins
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
Rating
Hit-and-run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
Rating 
Mild-mannered
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
'The funeral director,' said his wife.
Rating
Indian Women
Every Indian women RANI LAXMI BAI in her life...
RANI --> Before marriage...
LAXMI--> After MArriage...
BAI --> After Children...
Rating 
Forgetful
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!
Rating
Remedy for nail biting
A young woman who was worried about
her habit of biting her fingernails
was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied," but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead
Rating
Twig in my soup
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a twig in my soup!"
"My apologies, "said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
Rating 
Computer To Fax
A Dell customer called to say that she couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
So, a Technical Support Engineer was sent to the customer's place. There, after 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the techie, finally discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the 'send' key.
Rating
Lovely Bulldog
A lady was walking hes dog in the park...
Stranger: Hey, that's a lovely bulldog you've got there!
Lady: No, it's not a bulldog - it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall!
Rating
Alligator Won't Attack
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida...
Tourist: Is it true that an alligator won't attack, if you carry a flashlight?
Guide: That depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
Rating
Life After Death
Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes, sir!
Boss: I thought you would! Yesterday, after you left office early for your friend's funeral, he stopped by to see you.
Rating
