Salary Hike
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
Rating 
Last Wish
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Rating
Miracle Touch
Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
Rating 
Doctor has come to see you
Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.
Rating 
Missing you
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
Rating 
3 Things you must not hear
3 Things you must not hear the Doctor speak in an operation theatre.
1) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this?
2) Now where is page 5 of this operation manual?
3) Shoo shoo black dog, come back with that piece, that's now your dinner.
Rating 
Exam Joke
Two students are talking:
Student 1: I have good news. The teacher said the exams will go on even if it rains or shines.
Student 2: what is so great about it?
Student 1: It's snowing.
Rating 
Silly Billy
Billy gets home from school one day:
"Daddy, the teacher gave me a D today!"
"Somebody will get grounded mister!"
"Let me write you down her address!"
Rating
Water is tasteless
"I learnt at school that water is tasteless, but that's not true!"
"How come Billy?", said his mother
"I poured water in daddy's beer can, and he noticed it right away!"
Rating
Fishing Affair
'Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.
'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra. 'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'
Rating
No trouble with discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Rating
Laws which Mr. Newton forgot to state
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
Rating
Why to be quiet in church?
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "and why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because we must not disturb people while sleeping."
Rating
The Most Evil Thing
"Cash, check or card?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No" she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Rating
Bad Luck
Steve: I have had bad luck with my both wives.
Angelina: How come?
Steve: The first wife left me and second one didn't!
Rating
Diehard habits
A young woman who was worried about
her habit of biting her fingernails
was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga
had totally cured her nervousness.
'No,' she replied, '
but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead
Rating
It's all in the Spirit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Rating
Taking Lessons
A boy inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
Rating
Payback Time
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days? To which he replied. That would be fine with me.
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Rating
Good News
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, I have some good news and some bad news.
The patient said, Give me the good news.
They're going to name a disease after you.
Rating
