Facebook Love
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status I'm getting a divorce, he was the first one to click Like.Rating
How many?
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
Rating
Looking for a Wife
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."Rating
Off-Duty Cop
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets-each for not wearing a seat belt.RatingCow on the Tracks
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"RatingCrowded Bus
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.
He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, no, puppies."RatingDrawing God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."RatingGoogle Knows Everything!
I decided to introduce my elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. My first move was to access Google, and I told her it could answer any question she had.
My mother was very skeptical until I said, "It's true, Mom."
"Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, my mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"Rating
The Obituary
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."RatingBeauty Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mom?"
"To make myself beautiful," she answered.
She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"RatingThank heavens
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"RatingBlind Date
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.
When the girl got back from the date she said: "That was the worst night of my life!"
"Why is that?" her mom asked.
"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"He's the original owner mom!"Rating
The good news about the bad news
Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."RatingThe Urgent Call
An attorney telephoned the Governor's mansion just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him, regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker."RatingFree Ride
A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.
As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.
"I am 5 years old," said the little boy proudly.
The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, "And when will you be 6 years old?" he asked.
"When I get off the bus," answered the boy.RatingGotcha!!!
Farmer Banta killed a lamb and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"
"Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now."RatingFather's Ashes
A guy goes to a girl`s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh ... I ..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."Rating
Fortune Teller
A man was wandering around a fairground, and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"Ha, you fortune tellers are all a sham!" said the man, scornfully. "Im the father of THREE children!"
The woman grinned and said, "That``s what YOU think..."RatingA Snobish Tourist
A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth.
He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, "Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the same way my people value pearls."
The man replied, "Well, anyone can open up an oyster."RatingLifetime Medication
John came home from the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?"
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."
"Yes, I know," he said, "but he only gave me four pills!"Rating
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