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Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?
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No, not a soul, actually.
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Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!

 

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When your first child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.

 

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I've always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

 

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A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, What was that?

The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!

The girl slapped him soundly.

What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.

Customer feedback.

 

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My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.

 

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Shortest joke a software developer can tell:

I'll be ready soon.

 

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Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

 

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They say you can't get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the Moon!

 

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A girl asks a boy: "Peter, how much do you love me?"

The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."

The girl is confused, But it's morning, there are no stars?

Boy nods, "Exactly!"

 

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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

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A man was watching a DVD at home.. and jor jor se cheekhne laga ...

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Ghode par se mat utar.. Pagal mat utar..

Its a trap!! Its a trap!!

you will die..

Wife asked: what are you watching?
Husband replied: Our wedding DVD!!

 

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Husband = Mere marne ke baad kya tum doosri shaadi karogi?

Wife = Nahin, main apni behen ke saath rahungi or aap?

Husband = Main bhi tumhari behen ke saath rahunga .

 

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Conveying is an art
Wife : I have a good news and a bad news
Husband : I am very busy Just give me good news
Wife : the airbags worked properly in our new Audi

 

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Husband : Where did you go?
Wife : Mall for shopping.
H : what did you purchase then?
W : One hair band and 45 selfies

 

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Pati : Mohabbat agar andhi hai to shadi kya hai.

Patni : Shadi aankhon ka operation hai.

 

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A bank manager without anyone around may find themself a-loan.

 

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I woke up this morning with a string tied around my finger and I haven't a clue why I put it there...

I better check my notes, it might be something important!

Now if I could just remember where I put my notes...

 

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A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say 'bye'300 times.

 

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My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient's room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she 
remarked, An apple a day keeps 
the doctor away, right?

That's true, he agreed. I haven't seen a doctor in three days.

 

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My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.

Unimpressed, Mom said to me, I'll have them know I'm a winter, spring, and summer risk too.

 

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