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Jack: Doctor, my wife drunk a liter of petrol. What can I do?
Doctor: Ask her to run 60Km. Then it’ll be alright.

 

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Doctor: I have some bad news and very bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Patient: Tell me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your lab report came and it said you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: What the hell? Nothing could be worse than this news. So what is the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday..!
Patient: ?!?!?!

 

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Doctor: You have a heart problem. So, throw away anything which makes you feel bad.
Patient: So, Can I throw your hospital charges bill?
Doctor: ???

 

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Wife: Doctor, my husband talking every night while he sleeping.
Doctor: You must allow him to talk at the day times.

 

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Dave: Kane, I have a bad news

Kane: Me too.

Dave: What’s that?

Kane: Tracy cheated on me.

Dave: Oh, then I have a good news.

Kane: What?

Dave: I hit her with my car.

 

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Mark: Hey dude, what’s up?

Harry: Nothing much buddy. How’s everything with you?

Mark: All good. Yesterday I went to a 7-star Hotel restaurant.

Harry: Wow, that’s amazing buddy. I missed it.

Mark: It’s not amazing.

Harry: Why, what happened?

Mark: When I was there, I really needed to pass gas.

Harry: And?

Mark: The music was really loud, so I did it.

Harry: And?

Mark: I realized I was listening to my iPod.

Harry: hahaha hahaha

 

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I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food.
After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said “this dog loves visitors”
A child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.

 

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I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.
But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.
And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.

 

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I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”
Then I said, “Turn Left”.

 

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My Girlfriend broke up with me.
She thinks that I am childish.
So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

 

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Today I saw two blind people fighting,
then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,
they both ran away.

 

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Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:
Single bells
Single bells
Single all the way
Oh what fun it is to watch
those couples fight all day. Yay…

 

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Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

 

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Q: Why don't men do laundry?

A: Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

 

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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Breathe, man! Breathe!”

 

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If you really want your friend to remember you, lend some money from them.

 

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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

 

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Stages of marriage

Mad for each other...
Made for each other...
Mad at each other....
Mad b'coz of each other.

 

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Definition Of Happy Couple
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants

 

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Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

 

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