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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

 

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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

 

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What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

 

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Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

 

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A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

 

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If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

 

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A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

 

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A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

 

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My mum said, “I’m not happy with your school report.”

I said, “Okay.”

She said, “I want more A's”.

I replied, “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”

 

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Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?


Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

 

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Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?
A: You have a hole in one.

 

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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

 

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कल एक साधू बाबा मिले,
मैंने पूछा – कैसे हैं बाबाजी.?
बाबाजी बोले – हम तो साधू हैं बेटा….
हमारा “राम” हमें जैसे रखता है हम वैसे ही रहते हैं…..
तुम तो सुखी हो ना बच्चा..?

मैं बोला — हम तो संसारी लोग हैं बाबाजी
हमारी “सीता” हमें जैसे रखती है, हम वैसे ही रहते हैं..।

 

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The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

 

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David: I love her so much
Richard: She’s just 14 and you are 28
David: Age is just a number
Richard: And jail is just a room

 

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A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of “Computer Hacking Investigator”
The boss asked him: So, what makes you suitable for this job?
Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

 

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Today was my first day entering a court.
The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”
I was so excited,
So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”
I am now locked up in a dark room.
I am sure they will bring my order soon.

 

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My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days.
And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.
So I bought her nothing!

 

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