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Putting the baby to sleep
Two first-time dads were discussing their parenting experiences. The first was proudly claiming that he had devised a sure-fire way for putting his baby to sleep. Raving about the method he says: "I just toss him up in the air a few times, and catch him again."
Wide eyed friend obviously impressed: "And that puts him to sleep?" First person: "Sure does. We have low ceilings."

 
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IQ Test
Mary's father has 5 daughters. Nana, Nene, Nini, & Nono. What was the name of the 5th daughter?
If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. The 5th daughter's name was Mary.
Moral: Read the question carefully!

 
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Who knows better? Married men or bachelors?
The bachelor knows more about women than married men; if he didn't, he'd be married too.

 
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Where is the bar?
A man goes to a shrink (psychiatrist) and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she seems to sleep with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

 
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Mistaken identity
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices a beautiful woman behind him. She raises her hand and smiles to him. He is taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from.
Guy: "Sorry, do you know me?"
Woman: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. "Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

 
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The art of persuasion
This guy's so persuasive; he can convince his wife she looks fat in a fur coat.

 
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Life Extension
My doctor is very generous. He told me I have four months to live. When I said I didn't believe I would be able to pay him his bills before I died, he gave me another six months.

 
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Simple Remedy!
My husband, who serves as a marriage counselor, often does not want to go with me to parties and social gatherings. He complains that people spoil his evening by approaching him for advice. When I visited my physician, I asked him if experiences this also. He said it happens all the time.
Feeling curious, I inquired about what he did to get rid of these people.
"I have a wonderful remedy," the doctor grinned. "When someone starts to tell me his ailments, I stop him with one word: 'Undress.'"

 
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The lesser ailment!
A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side. He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation. Not quite trusting the doctor, she went to another physician for a second opinion. This time, the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed.
Feeling horrified at the diagnosis, the woman told her friend: "I'm returning to my first doctor. I'd rather have appendicitis, than gall bladder removed."


 
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Flowers and rice for the departed!
A fellow had just laid a wreath of fresh flowers on his friend's grave. On the way out of the cemetery, he sees a young Chinese guy placing some rice on the grave of a family member. Feeling amused he asked the Chinese: "When do you expect your friend to come and eat that rice?" Without batting an eyelid the Chinese guy replied: "When your friend comes to smell the flowers."

 
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Classroom capers
Teacher: Describe a woman
Krishna: A woman is, generally speaking...

Teacher: Correct answer! Good! Sit down!

 
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True Multi-tasker!
Young guy: Yes, I know a lot about baseball and football. I was also the captain of our cricket team. I am also an under officer in Scouts. I race cars and motorcycles. I can swim and dance and I'm sure that you would have a swell time going out on a date with me. And yes I am a very good conversationalist too.
Young woman: Do you have a group photograph of yourself?

 
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What is common between a girl and music?
A beautiful girl is like a song; because when you marry her you will have to face the music.

 
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Back to the future
Son: Mommy, I had career day at school today
Mother: Oh... so what you want to be when you grow up?
Son: When I grow up, I want to be a kid!!!

 
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Marriage Transforms!
Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue, O my darling! I love you
After Marriage: Roses are dead, I have flu, don't come near me, Parayi hai tuu,

 
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In-laws or Out-Laws
Why Did the Lady Throw Her Mother-In-Law out?
Because Baba Ramdev Said "Apni Saans Ko Bahar Nikalo..!!"

 
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Piety among Parrots
A priest has two male parrots. Doting on them, he makes small sets of rosary beads for them to hold. At the same time, he teaches him to say the rosary.
After a few months, the priest meets a nun with a female parrot. The nun is concerned because the female parrot seems to be wild.
The priest suggests, "Why don't you put her in with my parrots? Their piety may get to her." Agreeing that the priest may have a point, the nun brings over the bird and duly deposits the little lady in the cage.
One of the male parrots says to the other, "Let's throw away these darn beads. Our prayers have been answered!"

 
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Who has a cleaner shave?
Two boys are arguing, each one claims that his father is more groomed than the other.
Hari: My dad is so conscious of his grooming that he shaves twice a day.
Madan: That's nothing; my dad shaves more than thirty times a day.
Hari: That cannot not true.
Madan: Of course it is, he's a barber.

 
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Flowering relatives
Husband is complaining to his wife about her brother's inefficiency in running common errands. Naturally the wife is trying to defend her brother.
Wife: Why only last week you referred to our Bhaskar as the 'flower of the house .
Husband: Of course I did and even now I think of him as the flower of the house . He is blooming into an idiot!

 
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Mistaken identities
Two people ordered flowers to be delivered: one for a book store moving to a larger location and another to a family grieving the loss of their father. The clerk got confused and the resulting chaos was as follows.
The bookseller who moved to a larger location received a wreath with a card saying, "With sympathy," and the family of the late Mr. Epson who received the flowers which read, "Best of luck in your new location."

 
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