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A Boy Was Going With His Girlfriend.

A Friend Asked: Who Is She?

Boy: My Cousin

The Friend Smiled & Said: Last Year She Was My Cousin.
 
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Boss Calls His Employee In His Office.

Boss: Do You Believe In Life After Death?

Employee: Certainly Not, There Is No Proof Of It.

Boss: Well, There Is Now, After You Leave Early To Go To Your Uncle’s Funeral Yesterday, He Came Here Looking For You.
 
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Paper And Money Were Talking To Each Other. Paper To Money: "You Are Just A Piece Of Paper." Money Smiled: "Of Course I Am Just A Piece Of Paper But I Havn’t Seen A Dustbin In My Life."
 
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A Journalist Went To A Mental Hospital And Asked A Doctor,

Journalist: "How Do You Determine Whether To Admit A Patient Or Not?"

Doctor: "Well, We First Fill A Bathtub And Give A Teaspoon, A Glass & A Bucket To The Patient And Ask Them To Empty The Bathtub."

Journalist: "Yeah, Obviously A Normal Person Would Use The Bucket Because Its Bigger."

Doctor: "No, A Normal Person Would Pull The Drain Plug, Now Will You Please Proceed To Bed No.39."

 
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A Man’s Feeling.

It Feels Like A Mini Heart Attack,

When I Don’t Find My Mobile In My Pocket.

& It’s Almost Like Heart Fail,

When I See It In My Girlfriend’s Hand.
 
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Five Facts About You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You,

1. You’re So Lazy You Didn’t Read All The You’s.

2. You Didn’t Notice I Put A Yoo In You’s.

3. You Are Now Looking To Find Out.

4. You Are Laughing Because You Realise There Is No “Yoo” And You’ve Been Tricked.

5. You Are Going To Share This with your friends.
 
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The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

 
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This house, said the real estate salesperson, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

 
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Why did the shoe salesman dance all day? He had a lot of sole.

 
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I ordered from a catalog product number 699. Today, I received a package with the number 669 on the side. I called customer service and they told me to turn the package over

 
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My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience" he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else. "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" My friend replied, "I couldn't swim." He got the job.
 
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The real estate agent is following up with an elderly gentlemen after showing him a new home. Over the phone the agent indicated, "This house will be worth double what you paid for it in a few years." The older gentleman laughs, "At my age, it's a risk buying green bananas."
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar."
John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."
 
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Salesman: "Madam, do you want this powder?"
Housewife: "For what?"
Salesman: "For ants."
Housewife: "No. If I give powder today, they will ask for lipstick tomorrow."
 
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In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger."

"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
 
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My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
 
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A professor at a museum noticed his tomb exhibit was empty.

He walks by a little boy who is lost and crying.

He asked the boy what's wrong. "I want my mommy!" the boy sniffed.

The professor said, "I know how you feel, I want my mummy too!"
 
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Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."

Me: "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"
 
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These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound.

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?"

And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."

"Na," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
 
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey comb....
 
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