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Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."

Me: "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"
 
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These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound.

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?"

And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."

"Na," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
 
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey comb....
 
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, Bow-wow! The cat ran away. What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.
 
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What do you call bears with no ears? B.
 
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What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I am changing!
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar.
"John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."

 
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

 
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Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they're always too quick to retweet.

 
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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...It'll be called YouTwitFace.

 
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My wife asked me, "Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?" So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

 
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Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

 
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Timmy-Can I go the toilet? Teacher-say the alphabet. Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. Teacher-where's the P. Timmy-half way down my leg

 
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Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"

 
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 
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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
 
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Jose was chatting with his friend Pablo. He said to Pablo, My wife is a BIG spendthrift. She keeps asking me for more and more money every week. Pablo asked, But what does she spend all that money on? Jose replied, Who knows, I never give her any money.

 
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Rebecca said to her husband, Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam? Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point? Rebecca replied sarcastically, Your son scored it.

 
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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes? Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?

 
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It was the man’s first trip by airplane. He was frightened and nervous. As the engines began to roar, he gripped the arms of his seat, closed his eyes, and counted to one hundred. When he opened his eyes he looked out of the windows. See those tiny people down there,” he said to the woman sitting next to him, don’t they look like ants? They are ants, the woman said. We haven’t left the ground yet.

 
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