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My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience" he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else. "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" My friend replied, "I couldn't swim." He got the job.
 
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The real estate agent is following up with an elderly gentlemen after showing him a new home. Over the phone the agent indicated, "This house will be worth double what you paid for it in a few years." The older gentleman laughs, "At my age, it's a risk buying green bananas."
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar."
John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."
 
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Salesman: "Madam, do you want this powder?"
Housewife: "For what?"
Salesman: "For ants."
Housewife: "No. If I give powder today, they will ask for lipstick tomorrow."
 
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In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: "That's the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger."

"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
 
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My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
 
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A professor at a museum noticed his tomb exhibit was empty.

He walks by a little boy who is lost and crying.

He asked the boy what's wrong. "I want my mommy!" the boy sniffed.

The professor said, "I know how you feel, I want my mummy too!"
 
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Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally."

Me: "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"
 
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These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound.

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?"

And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here."

"Na," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."
 
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey comb....
 
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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, Bow-wow! The cat ran away. What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language.
 
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What do you call bears with no ears? B.
 
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What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I am changing!
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar.
"John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."

 
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

 
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Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they're always too quick to retweet.

 
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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...It'll be called YouTwitFace.

 
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My wife asked me, "Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?" So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

 
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Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

 
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Timmy-Can I go the toilet? Teacher-say the alphabet. Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. Teacher-where's the P. Timmy-half way down my leg

 
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