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Forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!
 
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Remedy for nail biting

A young woman who was worried about
her habit of biting her fingernails
was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied," but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead

 
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Twig in my soup
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a twig in my soup!"

"My apologies, "said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

 
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Computer To Fax

A Dell customer called to say that she couldn't get his computer to fax anything.

So, a Technical Support Engineer was sent to the customer's place. There, after 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the techie, finally discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the 'send' key.
 
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Lovely Bulldog

A lady was walking hes dog in the park...

Stranger: Hey, that's a lovely bulldog you've got there!

Lady: No, it's not a bulldog - it was chasing a cat and ran into a wall!
 
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Alligator Won't Attack

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida...

Tourist: Is it true that an alligator won't attack, if you carry a flashlight?

Guide: That depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
 
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Life After Death


Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Employee: Yes, sir!

Boss: I thought you would! Yesterday, after you left office early for your friend's funeral, he stopped by to see you.
 
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Occasional Mistake


An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check...

Employee: Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.

Boss: I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn't complain!

Employee: Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming an habit, now!
 
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For Wife

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the man replied. "That will be all."

As the bellboy turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife, sir?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the man said. "Please bring me a postcard."
 
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Bragging Truth
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.'I'm so tough', said the first boy, 'that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week'.

'Well', said the second little boy, 'I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day'.

'That's nothing', said the third boy. 'When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour'.
 
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Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

 
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Cooking Class Secret
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?", I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
 
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What Would You Like?
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"

He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
 
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Navy Seal
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson's pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

"So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
 
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3 Friends Lived In 110th Floor


3 friends lived in the same flat on the 110th floor. One day the lift wasn't working. So they had to climb the stairs. To pass time & not get bored, they said that, 1st person should tell a war story, 2nd a funny story & 3rd a sad story.
1st person tells a story & they climb to 50th floor.
2nd tells his funny story & they climb to 109th floor.
Now the 3rd has to say a very sad story. He says, "I've left the door keys in car"...
 
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In A Bar A Man Attend Da Call


In a bar, a man attend da call of a ringing mobile.
Man: Hello!
Wife: Darling shall I buy 1 diamond ring?
Man: Sure honey!
Wife: Shall I use your credit card for Crystal pendant?
Man: Ok dear!
Friends: Great to see that you love her so much!
Man: Hmm! By the way, whose mobile is this?!?
 
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Phone Bill Was Exceptionally High


The phone bill was exceptionally high..
Man called a family meeting on saturday to discuss..
Dad- this is unacceptable. I don't use this phone, I only use my work phone..
Mum.. Me too. I hardly ever use this phone..
Son- I use my office mobile I never use the home phone..
All of them are shocked n together look at the maid who's patiently listening to them..

Maid- wat?
So we all use our work phones.. Not a Big deal...!
 
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Can We Go To Mcdonald

Kid:Dad, can we go to McDonald?"
Dad:Only If you can spell Mcdonalds
Kid:Thought For A Minute, turned around and said "Can we go to KFC instead?"
 
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Slow Stalker
One girl comes late to class


Professor : Why r u late?

Girl : One boy was following me sir

Professor : So,what?

Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.
 
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Hidden meaning
Two friends were talking by sitting road side.

Suddenly they saw a man came from his car and open car door for his wife.

Then one friend told to other, "If a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife."
 
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