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What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking! I am changing!
 
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Mel: "Well hello John Corcoran. Remember me? We met in Maine one rainy night, about six years ago at the Moose River Junction, during your sales seminar.
"John: "Goodbye, sir."
Mel: "Aren't you going to try to sell me something?"
John: "No, I only sell memory courses."

 
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The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

 
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Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers? Because they're always too quick to retweet.

 
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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...It'll be called YouTwitFace.

 
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My wife asked me, "Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?" So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

 
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Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
A: "Nobody's perfect!"

 
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Timmy-Can I go the toilet? Teacher-say the alphabet. Timmy-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. Teacher-where's the P. Timmy-half way down my leg

 
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Teacher: "What is the largest city?" Student: "Electricity!"

 
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

 
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Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
 
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Jose was chatting with his friend Pablo. He said to Pablo, My wife is a BIG spendthrift. She keeps asking me for more and more money every week. Pablo asked, But what does she spend all that money on? Jose replied, Who knows, I never give her any money.

 
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Rebecca said to her husband, Do you know the neighbor’s daughter scored a 99 on her math exam? Her husband Tom, sipping his tea, remarked, Really? What happened to the remaining 1 point? Rebecca replied sarcastically, Your son scored it.

 
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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes? Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?

 
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It was the man’s first trip by airplane. He was frightened and nervous. As the engines began to roar, he gripped the arms of his seat, closed his eyes, and counted to one hundred. When he opened his eyes he looked out of the windows. See those tiny people down there,” he said to the woman sitting next to him, don’t they look like ants? They are ants, the woman said. We haven’t left the ground yet.

 
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Jake: If you were in a line at a ticket window, and the man in front of you was going to Chicago and the money lady behind you was going to Atlanta, where would you be going?
Fran: I don’t know.
Jake: If you don’t know where you are going, why are you in line?
 
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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"
 
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Husband goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.

Police: "I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home."

Husband: "How tall is she, sir?"

Police: "I think she’s 5 foot something."

Police: "And what about her build?"

Husband: She's not slim, but she’s not fat either."

Police: "What color are her eyes sir?"

Husband: "Um…I can’t remember."

Police: "And what about the color of her hair?"

Husband: "It changes all the time depending on what hairdresser she goes to."

Police: "What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?"

Husband: "I don’t know. It could have been a blue dress. Or maybe a black one. I don't remember exactly."

Police: "When she left to go shopping did she go by car?"

Husband: "Yes she did."

Police: "And what is the make of the car?"

Husband: "It's a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And .......... "

At this point, Husband starts to cry.

Police: "Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car."

 
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."
 
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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
 
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