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Teacher: How much is a gram?
Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
 
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
 
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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 
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"What do you call a very small Valentine?" "A valen-tiny."
 
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My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

 
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Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
 
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A kid was crying standing outside his house.
A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"
Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."
Passer by: "Who is your father?"
Kid: "That is what the fight is about."
 
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While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 
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Wife: How would you describe me? Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK. Wife: What does that mean? Husband: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot. Wife: Aw, thank you, but what about IJK? Husband: I’m just kidding!

 
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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

 
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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

 
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Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.

 
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Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

 
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Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down? Because the data might fall down.

 
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Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

 
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Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"
 
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Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.
 
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Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"? Student: 4 Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D" Student: 52 Teacher: What?! How? Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

 
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