Who Listens?
First year of marriage: the man speaks, the woman listens.
Second year: the woman speaks, the man listens.
Third year: they both speak and the neighbors listen.Rating
Fired
Boss: You are Fired!
Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motionless!Rating
Ten very lazy men
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change."I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."Nine hands went up."Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man."Too much trouble," came the reply.Rating
Station
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where atrain stops. On my desk, I have a work station...RatingFirst Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?Rating
School Play
A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been.
"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.
"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.
"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".
"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good work and one day the'll give you a speaking role".RatingSecond Language
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away.
"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse.
"Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."Rating
Pain in eye
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.RatingTaxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.RatingHusband
A man spoke frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".
"Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted,
"This is her husband!".RatingGood Luck
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"RatingDiscount
Two guys went to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, they bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10%
and gave them a 20% discount on both....RatingDead Bird
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said...
"Where???"RatingA student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"RatingWhat Happened
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.RatingMay I go to
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!RatingBitten by a Vampire
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.RatingLost
A retired woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way."
A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."RatingLong life
Sandy wanted to live really long, and for that he went to see a doctor.
Sandy: Is there any way for long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Sandy: But, Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come.RatingActive lifestyle
I am very good in tennis, football and pro wrestling but I had to stop playing them because my Xbox fell down and broke.Rating
|
|
|
|
