Missing Dog
Man (seeking to lodge a complaint at the police station):
"I have lost my dog.
Police Inspector: "Why dont you place an advertisement in the newspaper?"
Man: "Don't be silly, inspector! My dog can't read!
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Doctor
Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
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So Many Apples
Doctor gravely: If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead.
Patient: Sorry, I couldn't digest so many apples.
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Vacation
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met a lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything. What are you doing here?
That's quite a coincidence, said the doctor I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The lawyer looked puzzled. Gee, he asked, how did you start the flood?
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Free advice?
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?
I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Don't Want To Scare
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
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God Looks Like
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Good Eyes
The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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Maths
The teacher said to Danny "Why are you in the floor?"
Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."
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Sport
A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."
Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."
The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
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plastic surgery
Patient: What is the cost of plastic surgery?
Doctor: It is 10,000$.
Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic?
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Words Start With I
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Reasons For Going To School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal."
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Good Worker
A Doctor: What flavors of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate," answered the waitress in a hoarse voice.
Trying to be sympathetic, the Doctor: Do you have sore throat?"
Waitress: No.... just... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Patient
Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient: Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home.
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Teacher
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
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On The Other Hand
Once a man was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so.
He Replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
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Clever Dog
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog, He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.
Her husband replies, Well, lots of dogs can do that.
The wife responded, But we've never subscribed to any!
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Short Time..
A boy young man to a young woman at a ball, Whenever I dance with you, themusic lasts only a short time.
The young women replied, No wonder,The band leader is my fiance.
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