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Snake Bite
There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said

''Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they''re dead?

Are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?''.


Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"
 
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Letter to Grandma

Mother:Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?


Son:Yes Mom.


Mother:Your handwriting seems very large.


Son:Well, Grandma''s very deaf, so I''m writing very loudly.

 
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Soccer Dreamer

A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."


Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."


The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."
 
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Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: 'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'

The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'
 
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Just on time

Big inspection on a build site/yard.


The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.


The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.


-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time
 
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Prescription for Overweight

A MASSIVE woman went to see the doctor about her weight.


She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?"


The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!"


She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?"


The doctor says, "Next time your ordered food."
 
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On my feet

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
 
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Income Tax


Income tax officer gave tips to a young lady, 'You should pay your income tax with smile.'


The lady replied, I have tried it thrice, but every time they insist on cash or cheque.
 
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More Pills


A patient asked to the doctor, If I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?


Doctor replied, Certainly, I put it this way, no one has ever come back for more of those pills again!
 
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My Ex

Wife: Hey, look at that man who has drunk a lot..

Husband: Who is he?

Wife: Well, 12 year ago, he was my boy friend and I denied him for marriage.

Husband:Oh my god, good! he is still celebrating!!
 
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6 Million Dollar Question


Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.



'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted,
'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?'



'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'
 
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Not in a hurry!

Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.

Patient: It is perfectly all-right. I am not in a hurry.
 
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Appointment
Seeking appointment with doctor a man said: 2 weeks? I could be dead by then!


Doctor: No problem! If your wife let us know, we will cancel the appointment.
 
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Same Age
A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.

Doctor: Do not worry! It is due to old age.

Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not
pain?"
 
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Releave
Doctor: What is the matter about your husband?

Woman: He worries a lot about money.

Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.
 
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Why are you nervous?

Doctor: Why are you nervous?

Patient: Because I am going to have an operation for the first time.

Doctor: Hey! But I am not nervous though this is my first operation.
 
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The meaning of dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?'



'You'll know tonight.' he said.



That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled 'The meaning of dreams'.
 
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Coincidence example
Teacher: 'Can anybody give an example of a coincidence?'



Student: 'My mother and father got married on the same day, at the same time!'
 
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Lifelong ambition

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.



She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.



A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. 'You are a school teacher, eh?' said she.

'Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times.'
 
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Throat Problem
Doctor: You have throat problem? Have you ever gargled with salt water?


Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming.
 
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