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Son: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Dad: Mickey Mouse
Son: What duck walks on two feet?
Dad: Donald Duck
Son: No, all ducks do!

 

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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

 

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I’m probably too honest."
The boss says, "That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!"

 

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What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.

 

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Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam.

 

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Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

 

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Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!

 

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A Man tells his Doctor, "Doc, help me. I am addicted to Twitter!" Th Doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you.

 

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Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"

 

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Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all the symptoms.

 

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Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

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Just say No to drugs. Well if I'm talking to my drugs.. I probably already said yes.

 

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

 

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Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?" Boyfriend: "You're both." Girlfriend: "What do you mean?" Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

 

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Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

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Q: How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?

A: He gave her a ring.

 

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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? A: Because he was always spotted.

 

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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

 

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"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it."

 

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Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

 

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