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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

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Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

 

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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”

 

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Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”

 

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Wife:
Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents.

 

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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone.

"Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

 

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When you're stressed, you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

 

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Boy : My father name is laughing and my mother name is Smiling.

Teacher: YOumust be Kidding

Boy: No, thats my brother. I am joking.

 

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Teacher: What's the past participle of the verb "to ring?"
Student: What do you think, sir?
Teacher: I don't think. I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either, sir.

 

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

 

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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

 

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Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 

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Teacher: Why your paper is blank?
Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer.

 

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Teacher: People of blood group A can only take blood from donors of “A” group blood and People of blood group B can only take blood from donors of “B” group blood. But some can accept blood from any group and who are they?
Student: (Thought for a few seconds and reply) Madam, it’s MOSQUITOES.

 

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Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

 

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Student: Wish you happy Techer’s day sir.
Sir: Who are you?
Student: I am one of your old students.
Sir: Write ‘Teacher’ ten times.

 

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Sir: Today’s topic is Photosynthesis
Student: Okay sir.
Sir: Tell me, what’s Photosynthesis?
Student: Today’s topic.

 

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Patient: Doctor, I couldn’t hear anything
Doctor: How long this problem happens?
Patient: It starts just one week ago
Doctor: Don’t worry. you are perfectly alright.
Patient: How you come to this conclusion?
Doctor: Because you answer my questions…!

 

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A Doctor and an Engineer love the same girl.
Doctor: Every day I give a rose to her
Best 15 Funny Conversations Between Doctor And PatientEngineer: But, every day I give an apple to her
Doctor: Why you give an apple to her?
Engineer: An apple a day keeps a doctor away.
Doctor: ?!?!

 

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Jack: Doctor, my wife drunk a liter of petrol. What can I do?
Doctor: Ask her to run 60Km. Then it’ll be alright.

 

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