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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

 

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

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What do you call two fat people having a chat? -- A heavy discussion

 

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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

 

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Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

 

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The Growth Story


Me: Can you please grow?

Hair: Nah..!

Muscle: Nope..!!

Salary: Don’t even dream..!!!

Stomach: Bhai tere liye kuch bhi.
??

 

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What is Object oriented programming:


Father – Son, go and get Red Label

Son – 750ml or 1 ltr??

Mother – Son, go and get Red Label

Son – 500gms or 1 kg?

 

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Girlfriend said she wanted “iPhoneX” for her birthday….

Now she is “eX girlfriend”

 

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HR – There is a 2 years gap on your CV!
Candidate – I was in jail

HR – Why?

Candidate:- I killed the guy who told me : “we’ll call you back”

HR :- Welcome on board, you have the Job

 

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Positive thinking
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?

(This is called “Positive Thinking” ??)

 

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HR – There is a 2 years gap on your CV!
Candidate – I was in jail

HR – Why?

Candidate:- I killed the guy who told me : “we’ll call you back”

HR :- Welcome on board, you have the Job

 

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Height of internet addiction

At a funeral in church

A visitor: What’s the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?

 

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Please do not send me messages related to independence.

I am married…

It hurts. ??☹☹☹

 

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If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? ✈

A: Who cares??? Just throw them??

 

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What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift? ?

A: Exchange him!! ?

 

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I decided to travel to US. At The Embassy For Visa Interview, this is what happened

Officer: Where to in the US?

Me: San Jose

Officer: It’s pronounced as San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the US.

Me: Oh, okay!

Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US ?

Me: from Hanuary to Hune or Huly

 

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Girl : Dad…I’m in love…

Its love on 2nd sight!!☺

Dad : What’s love on 2nd sight?

Girl : When I saw him 1st, he was buying Manikchand Gutka…

When I saw him again…he was spitting out of his Audi?

 

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Self confidence

A Man wrote to the bank. “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’.

I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank”.

(This is self confidence in its peak ??)

 

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Rahul: Why is your eye swollen…?

Amit: It was my wife’s birthday yesterday and I bought her a cake.

Rahul: But how did your eye get swollen?


Amit: Her name is Tapasya… but that Cake shop idiot wrote

“Happy Birthday Samasya”

 

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Question –
Who is better….?

Wife or sister

Heart touching award winning answer:
Wife’s sister

 

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