Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
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Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A: Big hands.
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A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
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I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
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A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?â€
He said, “No, it kills them.â€
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing that today is Tuesday.
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When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!
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Q.If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A.Big hands.
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What is the tallest building in the entire world? The library, because it has so many stories.
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Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"
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Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes", the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
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Hardest job in the world: police sketch artist in China.
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I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
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The rotation of earth really makes my day.
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Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
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Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
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Kid:Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
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