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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 

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In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert." The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert."

 

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"What do you call a very small Valentine?" "A valen-tiny."

 

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My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

 

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Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

 

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A kid was crying standing outside his house.
A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"
Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."
Passer by: "Who is your father?"
Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

 

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While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

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Wife: How would you describe me? Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK. Wife: What does that mean? Husband: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot. Wife: Aw, thank you, but what about IJK? Husband: I’m just kidding!

 

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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

 

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

 

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Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables? Because they’ve found their inner peas.

 

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Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

 

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Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down? Because the data might fall down.

 

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Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

 

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Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"

 

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Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

 

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Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"? Student: 4 Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D" Student: 52 Teacher: What?! How? Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

 

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Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in. Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

 

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Lady 1: My son is very well behaved. Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years. Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

 

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Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately. Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.

 

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