Highest respectCustomer: "What do you have for greying hair?"
Druggist: Nothing but the highest respect sir.Rating
QuickThe teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...RatingSomething smartHow do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."Rating
lemon have a beak
Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"
Mum: "No it doesn't my son."
Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."RatingThat's it
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it.RatingI Want My Money
The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan:We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent:Wait just a minute, Susan it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.Rating
Scary report cardFather to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."RatingTwo copiesA young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.
He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that."Rating
Wrong route
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"Rating
Three Boys
1st boy - my father drives the car so fast that some people fly away.
2nd boy - my father drives the car so fast that the people run away.
3rd boy - my father drives the car so fast that the car is in garage and father in hospital.RatingFortuneA newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"RatingGive up seatSon: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lapRatingModern art
Dumb at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!RatingSo farPostman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Dumb:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....RatingFutureTeacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail".RatingPlaying Trumpet
Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'RatingSame old stuffA 20c coin met a R200.00 note and said ," Hey whatkind Outtie...... , where have you been....... I have'nt seen you around in a long time."
The R200.00 note answered, "Eish Guzzie , I been around....... Went to the Casino , Did News Cafe , Went on a Cruise to Mozambique , just came back.Hitting Hillbrow tonight....Im doing the mall tomorrow..... You know how it vaais...... Doing that kind of stuff.......
How about You....... How's it cracking with you? Whats cutting ur Side?......"
The 20c coin replied , "Ekse Boss..... you know me ....... same old stuff......... TEMPLE, TEMPLE, TEMPLE !!!"RatingPay for his mistakes
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, "he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you".
Mom said, "no no daughter, he must pay for his mistakes, I am coming to stay with you."
RatingCarburettor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."RatingWorse n worse by the dayPaddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.Rating
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