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One I can do without

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year,"
the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

 

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To my one and only love

A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend.

Don't you want her name engraved on it? asked the clerk.

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.

 

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When I was of your age..

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips.

They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree."

So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started.

"Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

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Too much fancy!!

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner.

The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.

"I got a cook book once" said Larry. "But I couldn't do anything with it."

"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked Frank.

"You said it, Larry replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: "Take a clean plate"

 

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Stone's throw away

A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was.


How will I recognize it? asked the man.

It's the one with all the broken windows. Came the reply.

 

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Lesson...rightly taken
A teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.


"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment? the teacher asked.


Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded

Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!

 

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How does a Scooter Run

In an interview for a mechanical engineer

Interviewer : How does a scooter run?

Candidate : Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.


Interviewer shouts : Stop it!!


Candidate: Dhhuurrrr dhupp dhupp dhupp dhupp!!!

 

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I'm late

Employee 1: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. Because of a power failure.

Employee 2 :That's alright, me too I got stuck on the escalator for 3Hrs.

 

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Fax-Machine

Manager: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

Staff: "A little. What's wrong sir?"

Manager:"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

Staff:"How did you load the sheet?"

Manager: "I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

 

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Keep it

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

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We don't care

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

 

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Tho Shall Not Kill

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.



After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"



Without missing a beat one little boy answered,"Thou shall not kill."

 

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Bragging boys

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.



The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."



The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."



The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

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Dear Loard, don't shove me

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.



As she ran she prayed,"Dear Lord,please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"



While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell.



She got up, bushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...
But please don't shove me again!"

 

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Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"



"Because white is the color of happiness,and today is the happiest day of her life."



The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

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Undying Love!

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear!

Girl: Would you die for me ?

Boy: No, mine is Undying Love!

 

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Pronouns

Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.

Johnny: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

 

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If you prefer

‘How long will it take to pull my tooth?’ The patient asked the dentist.


‘ Only two seconds’


‘ How much will it cost?’


‘ Fifty dollars.’


‘For only two seconds of work?’


‘ Well,’ The dentist answered coolly, ‘ I can pull it very slowly if you prefer!’

 

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Make it Lighter

Post Master in a post office told to a woman,”You have to put another stamp on this letter as it is too heavy.


The woman replied, “How would an extra stamp make it lighter.”

 

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Don't bite


TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

 

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