Happiest Day of Your Life
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Doctor Report
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for the next 1 to 2 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
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How Old
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
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Good News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said"I have some good news and some bad news".
The patient said"Give me the Good news".
The Doctor said,"They're going to name a disease after you"
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Wife Tracer
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"you know,I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
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Life Saving Discovery
Chemistry Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was discovered in 1773.
Chemistry Student: Thank God ! I was born after that otherwise, I would have without it.
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Scare Parents
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Populatin Growth
A Teacher lecturing on population -
In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.
Student: stands up and says " we must find & stop her!".
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Salary Increment
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
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Tech Support
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute I hadn't inserted it yet it's still on my desk Sorry .
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Drunk Rabbit
A drunk rabbit goes through a wood.
He bumps into a tree, and says,
"Oh, i'm sorry".
He goes farther, and bumps into another tree, and says,
"I'm sorry i'm sorry "
Then he sits on the ground and says to himself
"I better sit here a moment and wait till those fools pass by "
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Password
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech Support
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
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I am not blind
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
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Iegible
Patient: Doc your prescription is illegible.
Doctor:Your bill is legible,but still you did not pay.
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Choosing the Right Job Applicant
Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test. Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.
"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."
"Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You wrote, 'Neither do I."
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Saying goodbye to mother-in-law
Couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Better Work Conditions
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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New BMW
A man was out on the interstate in his new BMW for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th.I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says,"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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Pregnant at 67!
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 67 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
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