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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
 
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Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
 
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Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it’s me.” Tech Support: "Oh, it’s me too.” [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."
 
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Customer: “I’ve been ringing your call centre on 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?” Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?” Customer: “It was on the door to the travel centre.”
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours.”
 
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Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
 
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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
 
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Most common lies ever told:
"I didn’t do it"
"I'm fine"
"I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions"
 
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 onions and I asked for one, how many would you have left?” Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 onions.”
 
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SHE—"They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away."
HE—"Why stop there? An onion a day will keep everybody away."
 
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My girlfriend had tears in her eyes when I asked her to marry me.
Probably because I proposed with an onion ring.
 
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I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 
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What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

 
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
 
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

 
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A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
 
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Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

 
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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them
 
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Teacher: How much is a gram?

Student: Uhmm, depends on what you need
 
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Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
 
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