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"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?"

"Huge hands, sir."
 
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Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful? Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything.
 
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Student 1: Bro, I could not write anything at the exam, I just left the paper blank. Student 2: I gave it blank too. Student 1: Oh god! She \'ll think we cheated.
 
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Human brain is the most outstanding object in world.
It functions 24hrs a day, 365days a year.
It functions right from the time we are born
and stops only when we enter the examination hall.
 
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Wife's Answers and What they mean
You ask your wife something and she says:Wahan rakha hai..
This 'wahan' can be either:
1. On the table.
2. Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen.
3. or Antarctica..!!!

When wife says:Woh laa do...., It can be
1. Her Lipstick .
2. Or milk from market.
3. Or an AK 56..!!!

When wife says:Yeh kya hai..?? It can be:
1. Your Pyjamas on the floor.
2. Or beer 6-pack in fridge.
3. Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan.!!

When wife says: Tumhe kabhi kuch samajh nahi aata.. It can be about:
1. A new mushy WhatsApp msg.
2. Or Einstein's theory of Relativity.
3. Or her latest spending spree in Mall !

When wife says: Ab bahot ho gaya It can be:
1. The mascara she is putting.
2. Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon.
3. Or the latest spat she has had with your mother..!!!

And when wife says:
Main kaisi lag rahi hoon?

Its GAME OVER!!

It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced in Mahabharata, just before the war started.. as to whether you should follow Dharma Or Karma !!!!

 
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An old man living alone on his farm writes to his son in prison. Dear Jim, I'm feeling down because I'm just too old to plant my potato garden this year. It's too much digging.Jim write back. Dad, don't dig up the garden that's where I buried the bodies! That day a van full of FBI agents stormed into the backyard and dug up the entire garden. They didn't find anything and left apologizing to the old man. Soon the farmer received another letter. Dear Dad, It was the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Jim
 
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Dad: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mom: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
 
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Wife is Cute, when she is Mute.
Husband is Honey when he gives Money.
 
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Height of gettting lucky

My neighbor's wife texted me,
'I am new on whatsapp.. Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?

I replied : 'I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !

She replied : ' No problem. I'll ask you later... Love you too..
 
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Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"

"Yes, sir! I'd put allthe men on one island and the women on another."

"And what would they be doing then?"

"Building boats!"
 
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Husband vs wife

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting!
He told the men to stand in two queues...
Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives!

Only 1 man stood in d second Queue...

God said "So you control ur wife?"

Man: "R u CRAZY ???
My wife told me to stand here" ..
 
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Wife: Why can't my mother move in with us?
Husband: Because the Bible says I can't!
Wife: Show me where it says that!
Husband: Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!
 
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Mother to Son: Who is Tippu Sultan
Son: Don't Know.
Mother: Sometimes give attention to studies.
Son to Mother: Who is Dimple Aunty.
Mother: I Don't Know.
Son: Sometimes give attention to Dad also.
 
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Husband and wife returning back from foreign trip, Husband asks his wife, do i look like foreigner?
Wife: No, why?
Husband: In London a lady asked me are you a foreigner?
 
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Wife: How much do you love me.
Husband:so much, I cant measure it.
Wife:No tell me in.
Husband: I am a cell phone and you are my sim card, I am nothing without you.
Wife:Wow! that's so romantic.
Husband: (Saying to himself) Thank god she doesn't know that I am a china phone with four sim cards...


 
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SHORTLY after her husband's death, the widow married her husband's brother. Hoping to avert small-town criticism of such a hasty marriage, she hung a huge portrait of her late husband in the living room.
One day a visitor asked about the fine-looking man in the portrait. Dabbing away a tear with a hankie, she answered, "That's my poor brother-in-law. He died recently."

 
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The Power Of Fortune Telling Cards

"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.
"My mother can," said Johnny.
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."
 
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Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
Girl: No. You make me sick.

 
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The Animal In Me
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the animal in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a cat?"
 
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Late To School

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
 
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