What is a baby?
A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
First show your PAN Card
A person went to vegetable vendor for purchase of some vegetables.
Person: What is the rate of potato?
Vendor: First show your PAN Card.
Vendor: How can non-income tax paying afford vegetables in India?
A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, Is this dog faithful.
The man replied, Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.
White House Party
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President,
I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you."
He replied: "You lose."
Boy jumps first..
Girl closed her eyes and returned back saying "Love is blind"
Boy in air opens his parachute and says "True love never dies."
Jackson: Now i want to know why after Eating Fish, people do not drink
Suzie: Why so.
Jackson: Because people fear that fish will start swimming in their Stomach
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these.
Doctor: It's for you, not for him
Hey U Know Which is the best day to propose a girl..
April 1 U Know Why..
If she accept its your luck otherwise just tell April Foooooll
Hubby : Darling years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife : Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it is 1.5ltr.
A Medical Student wrote a LOVE LETTER with his BLOOD to his Medical crush n wrote in end " I WANT ANSWER OF THIS"
Next Day she answered
Your Blood Group is "O" Positive
Good at Maths
'Dr. Smith is checking a little boy named Tom.
Placing the stethoscope he said,
'Naughty boy, now take a long breath and say Five, three times.'
Tom is great at math. He always gets 100 out of 100. He said quickly, 'Doctor, its 15!!
Profit and Loss
Wife asks: Why is that in all marriages the bride sits on the left & groom sits on the right side.
Husband Reply: Have you ever seen a profit and loss statement?
It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the right side and expenses on the left side.
Facebook: Last seen 8 secs ago.
Wats app: Last seen 4 secs ago.
Text book: Last seen 8 months ago..
Once a man ran to the Doctor,'
My wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?'
Doctor: Show her stop signal.
sir : if any dought ask me
student : sir, in question paper question is there but in answer paper no answer is there
Wife Isn'T In The Car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"