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Not allowed own food
Two men go into a pub, order their drinks and sit down. Then they each take out some sandwiches and start to eat them.

The barman shouts "Hey, you can't eat your own food here".

They look at each other and with a shrug of their shoulders, swap sandwiches and carry on.
 
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Understanding a Women
My dad gave me this advice "Son, there are a couple of times in a man's life when he does not understand a woman."

"What are they?" I inquired.

My Dad Replied, "Before marriage and also after marriage".
 
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Two Guys Were Following Two Girls
Both Girls Took Rakhi & Tied To Their Hands.
1st Guy To Second - What Will We Do Now?
2nd Guy - You Marry My Sis,
I Will Marry Your Sister.
 
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Average Husband

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?
 
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Marry a penguin

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."
 
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Cure For Shortsightedness

A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness.
The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is.

The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that's the sun!

Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?

 
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Intelligents And Intelliladies
Boy: Boys are intelligent than girls!
Girl: Any proof?
Boy: You always say intelliGENTS but you never say intelliLADIES!

"Great people Great thoughts."

 
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Mystery of Maths
Biggest Mystery of Maths, 1000s of years passed, Millions of theorems derived, Millions of formulas made, But still, X is unknown!
 
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School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?
Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.
Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, “Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”
 
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Girlfriend: I can’t marry you. I am one year elder to you.
Boyfriend: Very Good, I love you so much that I can wait for you for one year.
 
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No Phone Book In china

Why are there no phone books in China?

Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
 
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On-Line Banking
I asked a customer- service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

"Certainly," she stated, pointing to a crowd of people.

"The line starts over there."
 
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Elderly Birthdays!
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
 
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'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Jack. 'What position do you play?'

'I'm not sure,' answered Jack, 'but I think I heard the teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'
 
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"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
 
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What is a baby?

A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
 
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No Opinion
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
 
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Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
 
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Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
 
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An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
 
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