Employee : Since Heavy rains I cannot come to office.
Boss : In resume you have mentioned your hobby as swimming, so come soon dude.
Once a lawyer wakes up from his disease after treatment, and notices his spouse besides him. His eyes little open and he utters, "Hey beautiful!" and then he falls asleep again.
His wife gets a shock because he never heard it from him.
After 10 minutes, he again opens his eyes and he says Hey cute!"
She asks what happened? Earlier you were calling me beautiful but now cute. why?
"The drugs are wearing off!" He replies!
Husband:u will never succeed
in making that dog obey u!
Wife:Nonsense it's only a matter of patience,
I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
Girl : Can we Talk.
Boy : About wat?
Girl : US
Boy : Why you wanna talk about the United States.
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Teena brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Teena?
Being A Tough Teacher
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
Colors of Flag
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?"
"Huge hands, sir."
Physics Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful? Student: Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.
Student 1: Bro, I could not write anything at the exam, I just left the paper blank. Student 2: I gave it blank too. Student 1: Oh god! She \'ll think we cheated.
Human brain is the most outstanding object in world.
It functions 24hrs a day, 365days a year.
It functions right from the time we are born
and stops only when we enter the examination hall.
Wife’s Answers and What they mean
You ask your wife something and she says:“Wahan rakha hai..”
This “wahan” can be either:
1. On the table.
2. Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen.
3. or Antarctica..!!!
When wife says:”Woh laa do..”.., It can be
1. Her Lipstick .
2. Or milk from market.
3. Or an AK 56..!!!
When wife says:”Yeh kya hai..??” It can be:
1. Your Pyjamas on the floor.
2. Or beer 6-pack in fridge.
3. Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan.!!
When wife says: “Tumhe kabhi kuch samajh nahi aata..”…It can be about:
1. A new mushy WhatsApp msg.
2. Or Einstein’s theory of Relativity.
3. Or her latest spending spree in Mall…!
When wife says:”Ab bahot ho gaya…” …It can be:
1. The mascara she is putting.
2. Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon.
3. Or the latest spat she has had with your mother..!!!
And….when wife says:
“Main kaisi lag rahi hoon?”
Its GAME OVER!!
It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced in Mahabharata, just before the war started.. as to whether you should follow Dharma Or Karma…!!!!
An old man living alone on his farm writes to his son in prison. “Dear Jim, I’m feeling down because I’m just too old to plant my potato garden this year. It’s too much digging.” Jim write back. “Dad, don’t dig up the garden that’s where I buried the bodies!” That day a van full of FBI agents stormed into the backyard and dug up the entire garden. They didn’t find anything and left apologizing to the old man. Soon the farmer received another letter. “Dear Dad, It was the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Jim”
Dad: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me? Mom: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.