A husband and wife were involved in an argument both of them unwilling to admit that they might be wrong.
"I'll admit I was wrong", the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt at straightening things out, "If you'll admit that I'm right!"
He agreed and like gentlemen do, he let her go first.
"I'm wrong", she said.
With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You're right!"
Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is is how they answered:
It's always darkest before..... daylight savings times.
You can lead a horse to water but..... how?
Don't bite the hand that..... looks dirty.
A penny saved is..... not much.
Children should be seen and not..... spanked or grounded.
There is no fool like.....Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
A beggar knocked on the door of a house.
"What do you want?" said the owner.
"Can you spare some money to help a poor person?" said the beggar.
But as soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, "Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week."
"Well, my son can afford to," said the owner, "he has a very rich father."
A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about Rs 3,000 today," said the owner. "But in four years it would have been worth Rs 30,000. So Rs 30,000 is what I have lost."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the cheque for 30,000. It's postdated four years from now."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.
She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The World's Fastest Runner."
Way of thinking
A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes.
In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks.
All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal!"
Much more inviting
A guy goes into the confessional box.
He finds on one wall afully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
Bert took his dog Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
I am not missing
A Farmer's donkey was missing. Farmer was praying and thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; Why are thanking God?"
Farmer: I am thanking Him that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.
Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me compliment?
Husband: Your eyesight is excellent !
Man: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!
What was that
Two Tigers were resting under a tree..
Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast
Tiger could not make out & asked
"What was that?"
2nd Tiger smiled and said:
CustomerDo you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Drunken StairsTwo drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"
Show him wrong
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Control over wife
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."