We Need A Way Of Telling
People They Have Bad
Breath Without Hurting
"Well I'm Bored
Let's Go Brush Our Teeth ..."
A Boy Was Having The Habit
Of Smoking . . .
His Parents Sent Him To Yoga
Classes For Treatment..
He Can Smoke With His Legs
Also . . .
Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
Instead they're "stroke challenged"..
Ever caught all the fish
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.
Composition on the subject of Baseball.
Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball.
Jonah: Here's my paper.
Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay.
Lets hear what you wrote..
Jonah: Game called off on account of rain.
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
A Zebra Crossing The Road
Here- why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There's a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road, said the policeman.
Well, I hope he's having better luck than I am, said the pedestrian.
When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
The Haircut Repair Shop
One barbershop in town put up a sign attacking the fancy salon down the block.
The sign said, "Why pay twenty dollars? We give haircuts for two dollars."
The salon got even by putting up a sign of its own stating, "We repair two-dollar haircuts!"
First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. "Why are you lying in the aisle like that."
"Well," said the boy, "if you don't see anything, you don't have to write anything."
Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"
"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"That's what they say," said his Dad.
"Well, give me an apple quick? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.
"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
U look pretty
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
A Rickshawala was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks the guy, "why are you removing a wheel from your auto?"
Rickshawala : Cant you read the board? Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
Make Your Own Bed
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Died Of Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
Change For A Reward
A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten." "That's right," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."