The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.
Knows when to stop
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
Car Was in the Lake
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
"Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
Wife Isn't In The Car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else ?
Boyfriend : Dead sure ! I checked the whole list again yesterday
Will It Be Long?
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much
of a wait?" The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the
loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
My Wife Is Pregnant
Man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
Man : "Where do you want to go for our Anniversary ?"
Wife : "Somewhere I have never been !"
Man : "How about the kitchen ?"
Wife And Husband
Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
Photo Of Wife
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
It Really Works
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish,too. But she leaned over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
Book do you like the best?
When I asked My Wife : Which book do you like the best?
She answers: Your Cheque book.
Which One Would You Suggest
Bunty - "Well, I am falling in love and I think I should go to a palmist or a mind reader. Which one would you suggest?"
Monty - "You would better go to a palmist you know you have got a palm."
Let us stand
Wife: Darling today is our marriage anniversary. What should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for two minutes.
Lecture on the ill effects of drinking on health
Police arrested a drunker at midnight and asked: " Where are you going?"
Man: "I am going to listen lecture on the ill effects of drinking on health"
Police: "Who will lecture at midnight?"
Man: "My wife"
Wife To Husband
Wife to husband: See that is my first boy friend at bar, he is drinking since I left him 10 years ago.
Husband: Nonsense! No one can celebrate that long!
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment,a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.
On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas.
Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him,
'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ... did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!
*Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere!!!!!*
Why Love marriages are better than arranged marriages?
Because Known Devils Are Better Than Unknown Devils.
MAN TO WIFE: We always keep fighting!
Dont you have something we both can agree on?
WIFE: Of course!
WIFE: We both were married on the same day...!!