A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."
At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
A thief was taking red paint and he was running fast. "Can't spill the paint. " He said as he ran. But he tripped over a rock.
"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG NOOOO I SPILED THE PAINT ON MY HANDS!" And the law got him.
"Talk about getting caught red handed!," The police man joked.
After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.
But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”
Home Work Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Blood doesn't rush to my feet
When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
There are 10 cats in a basket and one cat jumps out. How many are left?
None. They are all copycats!
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…
Elephant and Grapes
What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?
None. It just lets out a little wine.
I'm not poisonous
"I hope I'm not poisonous," says the first snake.
Why? asks the second snake.
Because I just bit my lip.
Intelligence come from
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied...
'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
One of them looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine.
Frog Meets young girl
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The fortune teller says, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a pub or at a party?"
The fortune teller says, "In biology class."
Thermometer say to graduate Cylinder
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated but I've got more degrees".
Call for backup
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
This is her husband!
A man speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
Asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate please," replied the youngster.
Love After Marriage Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
where the question paper is leaking
Once Professor asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.