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SHORTLY after her husband's death, the widow married her husband's brother. Hoping to avert small-town criticism of such a hasty marriage, she hung a huge portrait of her late husband in the living room.
One day a visitor asked about the fine-looking man in the portrait. Dabbing away a tear with a hankie, she answered, "That's my poor brother-in-law. He died recently."

 
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The Power Of Fortune Telling Cards

"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.
"My mother can," said Johnny.
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."
 
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Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
Girl: No. You make me sick.

 
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The Animal In Me
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
out the animal in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a cat?"
 
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Late To School

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
 
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Modern day break up..

Gal: I wanna break up with you..

Boy: why??

Gal: Because you didn't comment on my picture on FACEBOOK!!!
 
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Two women were chatting about their crazy husbands in the supermarket. One said, that her husband went totally insane after getting drunk last night. The other replied, "But how did you know that your husband was so drunk? What did he do" "He tried putting his pin number into the microwave" replied the other woman.
 
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1st yr MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the table with real dead body. The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor. The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g. he inserted his finger in the body's nose & on drawing back, put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it. Then he told the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's nose & tasted it. When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said :The most important 2nd quality is Observation. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

All students : shitttt man shit!!.....
 
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The Lunatic Pilot
Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly broke into hysterical laughter. "What is so funny"? asked the passenger.
The pilot replied "I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped".
 
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Show Your Bad Tooth
A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.

"I want a tooth pulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
 
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The Little Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 
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The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
 
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Two women are talking about marriage. One woman says: "I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair is gray." "Why not? He's loved you through three shades already." Replied her friend.
 
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Goalposts Can'T Jump

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"
 
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
 
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Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. "I got a cook book once" said Larry. "But I couldn't do anything with it." "Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?" asked Frank. "You said it", Larry replied, nodding. "Every one of those recipes began the same way: "Take a clean plate."
 
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Whose Dog Is Smarter?

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.

 
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Difficulties Of Running A Business

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."
 
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Scare Me Half To Death
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

 
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The Bagpiper
1st man: "My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!"
2nd man: "Did they wake you?"
1st man: "Nah....I was up playing my bagpipes."
 
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