Make Your Own Bed
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Died Of Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
Change For A Reward
A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten." "That's right," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."
The Last Word
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherman, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always - 'Yes, Dear.'"
How To Make Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
When Will You Be Six?
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old".
"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.
"When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.
Stuck On An Elevator
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!"
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Chatterjee stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Pappu, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Pappu looked up and replied, :Well, Mrs. Chatterjee, you can;t say you weren;t warned."
Conductor: 'Did you get home all right last night?'
Man: 'Certainly! Are you insinuating I was drunk?
I was perfectly sober. Did you not see me get up and give that old lady my seat?'
Conductor: 'That's why I wondered, for you two were the only passengers on the bus.'
One day a boy and his father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked his Dad, "What are these Pop?" "They're smart pills son," said his father.
"Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate them and said, "Yuck...these taste like poop!" "See," said his father, "you're already getting smarter!"
I had many options to Die
Hanging by Neck
Coming under a Train,
But ......... I choose
TV serials !!!
Tadap Tadap Ke Marenge :-)
A woman was sick and tired of her husband's drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming."You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."
Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'
"I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," prescribed the doctor.
"You gotta be kidding, doc, I've been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee".
The Roman War Hero
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.
"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him."Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."