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The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
 
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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."
 
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
 
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A Diabetic walks into a bakery and asks the guy behind the counter, “What do you got that is safe for diabetics?”

The Baker says, “Everything. As long as you don’t put it in your mouth.”
 
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Guruji, how do I learn about my mistakes.

Guru: Identify one mistake in your wife and tell her to correct it. In response she will help identify all your mistakes along with your family's and your friends as well. It's that easy.
 
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A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The railroad engineer replied.

How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
 
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A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

Second guy says you have 3 in your pocket. :)
 
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Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
 
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What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
 
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Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
 
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What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
 
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Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."
 
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Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
 
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
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Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
 
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
 
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
 
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!" - See more at:
 
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Telugu Joke:

Husband in balcony reading news paper,A donkey came near Husband:Darling ur relatives came, Wife:Athayya meeru okkare vachara mavayya raleda?????????
 
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A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
 
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