How many seconds do you have in a year?
Answer: 12 seconds – January 2, February 2, March 2, etc…
A farmer grabbed his 10-year-old son and asked, “Did you cut down that cherry tree?”
“Yes, Daddy, I did.” – the boy replied sobbing. “I cannot tell a lie.”
The farmer grabbed the boy, put him on his knee and whaled the tar out of him.
“But, Daddy,” the boy cried, “George Washington’s father didn’t do that to him when he cut down that cherry tree when he was a boy.”
“That’s true,” the father replied, “but George Washington’s father wasn’t sitting in the tree when he cut it down!”
Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.
Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give up…’cause we’ll never get this table into the house.”
“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”
Jeremy: “My Dad says the price of everything is going up, up, up. Food, clothes,… everything. He says he’d like to see something go down!”
Jim: “Would you like to show him my report card?”
A boy walked into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to give him something to cure the hiccups. The pharmacist merely leaned over and slapped the kid on the back.
“Why did you do that to me?” – asked the boy.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups now, do you!”
“No, but my Mom out in the care still does!” – the boy replied.
A small boy ridiculed the talk about a painless dentist in his neighborhood. “He’s not painless at all.” – said the boy.
“He put his finger in my mouth and I bit it and he yelled just like anybody would.
What can you put in your right hand but not your left?
Your left elbow.
A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”
“Mama, there’s a man at the door,” said little Johnny.
“He says he’s collecting for senior citizens. Do you think we should hide Grandpa?”
Teacher: Last night I had a dream that I ate a huge marshmallow.
Student: And what happened next?
Teacher: I woke up in the morning and found my pillow gone!!!
Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.
Joke of the year.
Two ladies sitting together very silent.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because it will take too long to iron!
Why the Teddy bears never feel hungry?
Because they are always stuffed!
Why oysters do not share their pearls?
Because they are shellfish!
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!
Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in.
How will a foreigner say open the door
to his servant
who only understands Hindi?
(Read this fast in British accent)
“There was a cold day”
“दरवाजा खोल दे”
BOSS in office : Okay guys, today we are going to play a game.....
When I say a name of the fruit, you run to the right side of the hall....
And when I say any color, you run to the left side of the hall....
One who runs on wrong side will not get the increment... got it ?
Employees : Yes Boss, Got it.
Boss : Okay...Ready, Set...
........ "ORANGE" !
Employees : ???