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panda bear

A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich and sits down.When the panda is done with his sandwich he pulls out a gun shoots the waiter then gets up to leave. The bartender stops him and says "you just shot my waiter and now your going to leave" and the panda replies "dude look it up" so the bartender pulls out a dictionary and looks up panda bear. It said"a animal that lives in africa. eats shoots and leaves.
 
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Medicine Cabinet

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.
 
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Valentine's Day Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

 
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A Healthy Life

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
 
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Wearing White
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
 
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Profession Used in Bible First

Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve.

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos.

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning?
 
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What Is The Highest Number?

One day Jimmy went up to his father and asked,

"Daddy, what's the highest number?"
his daddy said,

"Well, I'm not exactly sure, but i think it's in the stimulus package.
 
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Testing A lawyer, an

engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''4.0.''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''
 
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Rabbit and Snake

One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.

"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.

"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.

"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.

"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."

"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!
 
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Guess who knows the state capitals?

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
 
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Go on a hiking trip
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
 
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Hunting with a wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."
 
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Purchasing a turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 
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Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
 
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The family of tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
 
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You're back again?
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
 
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I have lost my father
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
 
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Testing a new recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!
 
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I hate about answering machine messages You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
 
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Zig Ziglar once on a plane asked his co-passenger 'hey man looks like you have the wedding ring to the wrong finger'. 'Yes' the man replied. 'Because I have married to a wrong woman'
 
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