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I have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

 
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Give chocolate pudding
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

 
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I'm trying to prove a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

 
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Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."
 
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I didn't get any money this time


A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
 
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Arriving home very drunk


A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
 
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Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. ~Elbert Hubbard
 
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Ramankutty Nair, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.

He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.


"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back.."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"
 
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Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?" Santa: "Hidden cameras!" Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?" Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?"
 
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What is bigger when you turn it upside down?




Answer: The number 6
 
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NRIIs – Non Resident Indian Identities

What do you call a person who is leaving India?
Hindustan Lever
What do you call a person who leaves India, but doesn't  travel much?
Hindustan Lever Limited.
 
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Commanding position
John is bragging to his friends about his brother’s new commanding position. He says: “My brother works with 5000 men under him.”
“That is great. Where does he work?”
Proudly replies: “Mowing lawns in a cemetery.”

 
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Baseball in Heaven
Sam, a baseball fanatic is sleeping and in the middle of the night the ghost of an old teammate comes into his bedroom.
“Sam,” says the ghost, “I've got good news — they play baseball in heaven.”
Feeling elated Sam replies: "Thank God,"
The ghost replies: “I am glad you like it. They've got you starting tomorrow.”

 
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Accident Insurance
An insurance salesman is trying hard to convince his client to sign up for a policy. Here is an excerpt of the conversation.
Insurance Salesman: You should buy an accident insurance policy.
Customer: Why?
Insurance Salesman: Why, just last week I sold an accident insurance policy to a fellow, and the very next day he broke his neck. We paid him $100,000. Just think, you could be that lucky!

 
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What happens at forty?
Maybe it's true that life begins at forty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.

 
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When can a man know he is in Middle Age?
A man knows he is middle-aged when the girl he smiles at thinks he is one of her father's friends.

 
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Undressing Order
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem with my throat.
Doctor: Go into the next room and undress. I'll be there in a minute.
Patient: But, doctor, it's only my throat!
Doctor: Do as I say. Just get into the next room and undress.
So the patient went in and undressed. While he was sitting there in his shorts, he looked around. He saw another man sitting there in his shorts also, but with a big package in his hands. Intrigued the patient tried to make conversation with the other man.
Patient: Can you believe that doctor! I have a problem with my throat and he orders me to undress!
Other man: Why are you complaining? I only came here to deliver a package.

 
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Inherent Talktiveness
John’s dad was an auctioneer and his mom was a woman — hence talkativeness is in his genes.

 
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Where is English Channel?
Teacher: Madhu, where is the English Channel located?
Madhu: I know every channel of my television set in and out, Sir, I am sure there is no channel by that name.

 
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Television and prevention of drug abuse
Television made a great contribution to the elimination of harmful drug addiction. It broke millions of the sleeping pill habit.

 
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