Shoplifting by choice
A kleptomaniac woman in an English court, charged with shoplifting, was asked by the judge if she had anything to say on her own behalf.
"Yes, sir, I have. I am a great patriot," she replied proudly, "I shoplift only British goods.”
Gloria came back from a haircut and her friends were shocked looking at the new hairdo. “Did you just go to a salon or did the rats eat up your hair?” asked her friend. “I’m returning from the salon just now. I know my barber is a terrible haircut, but he knows the juiciest gossip,” replied Gloria.
Definition of Diplomacy?
The term diplomacy is defined as "the patriotic art of lying for one's country."
What’s common between a beggar and software engineer?
A railway station beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question?
"So, which platform are you working on?"
Food for brains!
The teacher is explaining about the benefits of eating fish.
Teacher: There is a general belief that eating fish is good for brains. It improves a person’s ability to think.
Kiran (clapping enthusiastically): That is great teacher. I eat fish all the time.
Teacher: Oh, well, there fails another scientific theory.
What did one ghost tell the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
Two women are talking, one of them, a recently widow, is complaining to the other.
First Woman: “My husband didn't leave me a bit of insurance.”
Second Woman: “Then where did you get that beautiful diamond ring?”
First Woman: “Well, he left $1,000 for his casket and $5,000 for a stone. This is the stone.”
Steve is looking for a job. He walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. The recruiting manager looks up and says: “Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”
Madan thinks for a second and replies: “I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!”
Manager repeats his condition and gives instructions: “Remember, if you sell a million dollar policy, our company requires a urine sample of those insured. Take these two bottles for the samples."
Two hours later Madan returns, hands over two checks to the manager. One check each for a one million and two million dollar policies.
“Did you get the urine samples?” asks the manager.
Madan immediately takes out two bottles from his pockets and produces two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand.
”Good job,” says the manager, “but what's in those two buckets?”
“Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers' convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!” replied Madan smugly.
Tossing the Dog
A man was sitting on a park bench and eating his favorite snack, French fries and hot dog. Soon a lady came along with a small dog which got attracted to the man’s food and kept jumping at the man and begging for scraps. The irritated man decided to do something about it.
"Excuse me, Ma’ am," said the man. "Do you mind if I toss your dog a bit?"
"Why, go ahead," replied the woman.
Immediately the man picked up her dog and threw it over the wall away from the bench.
Putting the baby to sleep
Two first-time dads were discussing their parenting experiences. The first was proudly claiming that he had devised a sure-fire way for putting his baby to sleep. Raving about the method he says: "I just toss him up in the air a few times, and catch him again."
Wide eyed friend obviously impressed: "And that puts him to sleep?" First person: "Sure does. We have low ceilings."
Mary's father has 5 daughters. Nana, Nene, Nini, & Nono. What was the name of the 5th daughter?
If you answered Nunu, you are wrong. The 5th daughter's name was Mary.
Moral: Read the question carefully!
Who knows better? Married men or bachelors?
The bachelor knows more about women than married men; if he didn't, he'd be married too.
Where is the bar?
A man goes to a shrink (psychiatrist) and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she seems to sleep with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices a beautiful woman behind him. She raises her hand and smiles to him. He is taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from.
Guy: "Sorry, do you know me?"
Woman: "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. "Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
The art of persuasion
This guy's so persuasive; he can convince his wife she looks fat in a fur coat.
My doctor is very generous. He told me I have four months to live. When I said I didn't believe I would be able to pay him his bills before I died, he gave me another six months.
My husband, who serves as a marriage counselor, often does not want to go with me to parties and social gatherings. He complains that people spoil his evening by approaching him for advice. When I visited my physician, I asked him if experiences this also. He said it happens all the time.
Feeling curious, I inquired about what he did to get rid of these people.
"I have a wonderful remedy," the doctor grinned. "When someone starts to tell me his ailments, I stop him with one word: 'Undress.'"
The lesser ailment!
A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side. He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation. Not quite trusting the doctor, she went to another physician for a second opinion. This time, the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed.
Feeling horrified at the diagnosis, the woman told her friend: "I'm returning to my first doctor. I'd rather have appendicitis, than gall bladder removed."
Flowers and rice for the departed!
A fellow had just laid a wreath of fresh flowers on his friend's grave. On the way out of the cemetery, he sees a young Chinese guy placing some rice on the grave of a family member. Feeling amused he asked the Chinese: "When do you expect your friend to come and eat that rice?" Without batting an eyelid the Chinese guy replied: "When your friend comes to smell the flowers."
Teacher: Describe a woman
Krishna: A woman is, generally speaking….. …
Teacher: Correct answer! Good! Sit down!