I woke up this morning with a string tied around my finger and I haven’t a clue why I put it there...
I better check my notes, it might be something important!
Now if I could just remember where I put my notes...
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
My mother was rushed to the
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.
Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”
Teacher: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
John: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
Teacher: “This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.”
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.”
Teacher asked George: “How can you prove the earth is round?”
George replied: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
A man talking to God:
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
"What Is The Biggest Benefit Of Having A Crush In The Same College Where You Study?" . . . . . . . . . Answer: "100% Attendance."
A Man And His Family Doctor Accidentally Meets In The Market. Doctor: "How Is Your Headache Now?" Patient: "Ohh, She Is Out Of Town."
What Is The Best Punishment For A Girl? Give Her New Clothes, Matching Jewellry And Nice Cosmetics And Then Lock Her In A Room Without A Mirror.
Johnny asked Jacob for a cigarette. Jacob Says, “I heard that you have made a New Year resolution to quit smoking habit”. Then Johnny replied, “Yes I have decided to quit this habit and I am in the process of quitting, right now I am in the second phase”. Then Jacob asked, “oh really, so what was the first phase?”
Johnny simply says “I have just quit buying cigarettes”!!
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
If a girl is in Love...Her parents will ask who's that *idiot?*
If a boy is in Love,his parents ask : *Idiot,* who's that girl?
Misconception:No matter whoever in love, *boys are always idiots.*
Proposed theory: *Boys are normal before love, but become idiots after they fall in love*
BREAKFAST IS THE INDICATER OF YOUR WIFE's MOOD:
If the Breakfast is UPMA, think what you have shouted at her yesterday evening.
If the Breakfast is Masala Dosa, a clear indicator that your wife needs something this evening.
If nothing is done for Breakfast, and your wife is sick in the morning itself, indicates that your parents are coming home.
If something special i.e two/three items are made for breakfast, indicates that your in-law’s or her friends are coming home.
If sweet is made with Breakfast, indicates that there is plan for movie of her choice.
If she is shouting on children, indicator that your friend had phoned up for drinks...
If lot of eatables are under preparation, clear indicator that she is proceeding to her mother’s house.
Hello, this is just to make you laugh - don’t reveal to your wife……….����
You need at least *1 witness to prove a murder*
and a minimum of *2 witnesses to register a marriage!*
It clarifies which one is more dangerous?
*Height of Innocence ...*
A man reaches hospital with a fractured leg...
There he finds another man with both his legs fractured...
Expressing deep empathy, he asks him:
" *Do you have TWO WIVES..!!??* "
Please give Roses to your wife on teachers day.
You may not have heard any lectures from anyone else.