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First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."
 
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A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. "Why are you lying in the aisle like that."
"Well," said the boy, "if you don't see anything, you don't have to write anything."
 
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Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
 
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Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

"Well, give me an apple quick? I've just broken the doctor's window!"
 
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"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."

"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
 
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U look pretty
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
 
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A Rickshawala was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks the guy, "why are you removing a wheel from your auto?"

Rickshawala : Cant you read the board? Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
 
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Make Your Own Bed
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
 
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Died Of Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
 
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20,000 Cockroaches
Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
 
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Change For A Reward
A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten." "That's right," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."
 
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The Last Word
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherman, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always - 'Yes, Dear.'"
 
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How To Make Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what! We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
 
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Mr. Sugarbrown's

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 
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When Will You Be Six?
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old".
"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.
"When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.
 
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Stuck On An Elevator
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
 
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Spent Paycheque
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
 
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Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!"
 
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Chatterjee stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Pappu, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Pappu looked up and replied, :Well, Mrs. Chatterjee, you can;t say you weren;t warned."
 
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Conductor: 'Did you get home all right last night?'
Man: 'Certainly! Are you insinuating I was drunk?
I was perfectly sober. Did you not see me get up and give that old lady my seat?'
Conductor: 'That's why I wondered, for you two were the only passengers on the bus.'
 
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