Two friends are talking and one says to the other; "I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about."
His friend asks; "What do you mean?"
"Guilty or not guilty of begging?" asked the magistrate.
"Nearly guilty," said the beggar.
"What do you mean, 'nearly' guilty?" Asked the puzzled magistrate.
"Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn't get it."
Q.Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Wife: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Pam found an old family Bible in the attic.
When she opened it, a large pressed leaf fell out.
"Aha!" she said, "Adam must have left his clothes here."
The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them.
She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer.
She looked at the label and announced, "Unforgettable"
Man of few words.
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It with Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose" he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied..
"I'm a man of few words."
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Removing An Old Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years.
The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Units to Measure
Once A Girl Askd Her Bf :
Why We Have Units To Measure
Weight, Height & Distance
Not Love, Friendship & Trust?
Boy Thought For A While
Took Her In His Arms,
Looked Deep In Her Eyes & Said
Look, DON'T Eat My Brain!
I Have Already Failed In Physics
You have heard it said that it is the thought that counts. Well, when your wife is involved it is NOT the thought that counts, it is HER thought that counts.
Son: Mom, my friends in school tease me and call me a girl.
Mom: Don't worry, next time somebody calls you like that, hit them with your handbag and scratch their face.
Not allowed own food
Two men go into a pub, order their drinks and sit down. Then they each take out some sandwiches and start to eat them.
The barman shouts "Hey, you can't eat your own food here".
They look at each other and with a shrug of their shoulders, swap sandwiches and carry on.
Understanding a Women
My dad gave me this advice "Son, there are a couple of times in a man's life when he does not understand a woman."
"What are they?" I inquired.
My Dad Replied, "Before marriage and also after marriage".
Two Guys Were Following Two Girls
Both Girls Took Rakhi & Tied To Their Hands.
1st Guy To Second - What Will We Do Now?
2nd Guy - You Marry My Sis,
I Will Marry Your Sister.
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?
Marry a penguin
A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."
Cure For Shortsightedness
A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness.
The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is.
The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that's the sun!
Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?
Intelligents And Intelliladies
Boy: Boys are intelligent than girls!
Girl: Any proof?
Boy: You always say intelliGENTS but you never say intelliLADIES!
"Great people Great thoughts."
Mystery of Maths
Biggest Mystery of Maths, 1000s of years passed, Millions of theorems derived, Millions of formulas made, But still, X is unknown!